The Annoyances of a Ground Floor Window

My whole life I have been stuck with living in one storey houses. Split entry does not count as two storeys. I have always wanted a 2 storey home. Houses with a staircase going up to a second floor have always been equated with classy to me, even if the house is small. Also, since I was a child, I always dreamt of having a house where on Christmas morning, one can run down the decorated staircase and into the living room to see the lit tree with presents.


Rather, I have been stuck with plain, one storey homes, and my bedroom window always has ground right below, which really freaks me out, because I am scared of people breaking into my house, through my bedroom window. This was never a concern of mine in the house I grew up in until my parents put in a swimming pool and built a deck under my window. I was no longer safe. But I comforted myself with the fact that I lived in a small farm town in Ontario, and the only thing behind my house was a forest filled with happy deer who liked to sleep in our backyard.


Then we moved here, to the massive metropolis of Halifax. Now, instead of a forest behind my house, there is another house. I've lived here for a few years now, and even though I have come to accept that I live in a safe neighbourhood, I still cannot sleep with my window open, even if it is a billion degrees in my room, because I am scared of people breaking in. When my window is open, I always hear twigs breaking, and other creepy city sounds. But, I try to comfort myself with the fact that my whole street is comprised of people who think it is ok to let their cats loose to roam the neighbourhood streets, which would be fine if all the cats in the neighbourhood didn't congregate in our backyard. We figure it's because we are one of the only ones who do not have a dog, thus, our yard is the quiestest and safest for these poor creatures, so they are probably the ones walking around at night, breaking twigs. But the paranoia is still there.

Today I was sitting on my bed. The sun was pouring through my window. I was staring at the wall opposite me, when all of a sudden I saw a shadow move on my wall.


Then I saw it was the shadow of a cat. So I got up, looked, and sure enough, there was a cat walking on my window sill. I shooed it away.

I wasn't so startled because this has happened before. I have learned. The last time this happened, it was a beautiful sunny morning. I had just woken up, and could see that it was sunny. My window is right above my bed. I thought it would be nice to look out the window. I leaned up, and this is what I saw:





"Sh*t!" I yelled.
I nearly had a heart attack.
The cat was staring right into my room, it's face pressed up against the glass.
I hit the window and scared the cat away.

I need to start putting up traps......

List of Nearly Impossible Things to Find in a Store

List of Nearly Impossible Things to Find in a Store
A Real Store. Not an Online One.

1. Address Book
2. Cassette Tapes
3. Camera Film
4. Party dresses that hit the knee
5. Stationary
6. Sealing Wax

A Little too Diary-ish for my Taste

It is 10.50pm and I am in a strange mood.

I woke up this morning feeling frustrated because of stuff with mom. She's not doing well. I spent the whole day in my room because I don't like seeing her in this state, which makes me feel like a bad daughter and like I am abandoning her in her time of need.

Then I finished playing the newest Professor Layton game, which was very good, but had a sad ending that made me think of mom, so I burst into tears. After 5 minutes of crying, I instantly stopped, wiped up my tears, and carried on like nothing happened. Weird. I still am not able to cry longer than 5 minute increments. Perhaps it is a good thing.



Then I was feeling angry and journalled about my feeling angry which made me feel more angry. Then I ate meatloaf and felt a bit better.




My best friend called to check in and ask me on a New Years date (aka. girls night in), which cheered me up greatly.

Then I started to read the Book of Job because God told me to. Not the whole thing. Just until I felt I got the point, which was around the end of the first chapter in which I sat there muttering "I suuuuuuuuuuck!" I was also left feeling that God is not doing these bad things to me, satan is, because he wants to pull me away from God. It was at that point that I uttered "f*** off satan." Then I laughed, looked up at my very peaceful picture of Jesus, and smiled.


I've been good since.

Also, I recently discovered a new addition to my unpublished list of "Impossible Things to Find in a Store": stationary. I spent the entire afternoon yesterday with my other best friend trying to find some. Nothing. The best we could find was letterhead, but it's not the same. Damn email making letter writing obsolete.

I will publish my list later.

Until then...

Pax

I Got a Huge Dose of Reality for Christmas

It's amazing how when you are hit with devastating news, everything else in life is miraculously unimportant.

This past month has been the absolute worst of my life.

It started with November featuring my mom screaming bloody murder every day because of her back pain. We didn't understand what was wrong with her. She stopped sleeping in bed because of it, and slept sitting up on the couch every night.
Finally, on December 5th, she couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take it anymore. I yelled at my parents to go to the hospital because I didn't want to see my mom in pain anymore. This was getting ridiculous. I went in my room, and cried on my bed. My dad came in and hugged me, and said he didn't like seeing her like that either, and that he was going to take her to the ER right away.

So off we went to the hospital. It was about 7pm, and we didn't get out of there until 1.30am. The doctor made her pain a million times worse, but then got her morphine and other wonderful drugs. He also got her an x-ray, and order a CT scan for the next day.

The next day, my dad took her in for the CT scan. He called later that day saying mom wouldn't be coming home, that they were admitting her because the CT scan found spots on her lungs, breast and spine, as well as a herniated disc. She had a private room in the ER, and she looked like death. The drugs were making her extremely nauseous. The main concern of the doctors was to get her back pain under control.

The next week was awful. They moved her to a room upstairs, and she was still in excruciating pain and feeling nauseous. Her doctor told us that it looked like she had breast cancer that spread to her lungs and spine, and they want her pain under control first, then they will do tests. She was working on getting my mom a mammogram and biopsy.

By the next week, mom wasn't nauseous anymore, and they managed to test the fluid in her lungs. She also had a new doctor, who apparently is the best internal specialist in the whole area.
He got impatient waiting on the pathologist, and told her that his half of the fluid test says she did not have cancer in her lungs, and those tests either come out "yay or nay". There is no in between. So that was good news. Then a physiotherapist lady came in and told mom she does not have a herniated disc, she has a fractured vertebrae. It is better news, because a herniated disc means all they can do is surgery, and a fractured vertebrae means lots of drugs and rest and it will heal itself. But they had no clue how she fractured it.

This past Friday they got her in for the mammogram and biopsy, plus a full bone scan to check out those spots on her spine, and to test for osteoperosis,.
Then she came home, in very good spirits and determined to beat the cancer she may not actually have, considering they didn't find anything during her mammogram, but we're still waiting for the actual results.

My grandparents are up. They have been here for DAYS. I love them, but it gets on my nerves having company in my house for extended periods of time. But my Nanny has been very helpful with cooking and cleaning. They also brought up a cane, wheelchair, and shower seat for mom. Dad got her a walker with four wheels and brakes from the Red Cross.

Today mom had a doctors appointment with her GP, because all the test results go to him. It was her first time meeting him, so it was a bit overwhelming for him to have this huge stack of papers on his desk.
When my parents came home, I asked how it went. She said "not good", and that she didn't want to talk about it. That means the cancer has been confirmed. Later she told me that yes, they have confirmed that she has bone cancer, but they are waiting on all the test results before they can start treatment, because they need to know where to start first. Hopefully the lungs and breast come back officially negative, so they can focus on her back. In that case, the most likely treatment will be radiation on her back.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I pray a lot. I think crying is supposed to be helpful, in that it gets out my emotion, but I have been rendered incapable of tears longer than 3 minutes. Everytime I start to get upset, I get this overwhelming calm and peace telling me things will be ok, and then my tears are instantly gone. I honestly have not spent more than 3 minutes crying.
What the hell is wrong with me? For the past 2 weeks I have been hit with the reality that my mom has bone cancer, which, let's face it, is pretty much the shittiest cancer one can have, and I haven't cried over it? *shakes head* I don't know if it is severe denial, God, or both.

So on the one hand, I don't care about anything anymore, in the sense that, missing my bus, or being late for my German exam (yep), or my personal frustrations, all seem completely unimportant compared to this. All I care about is my mom getting better.
On the other hand, things that irritate me, irritate me 5x more. I hate phones ringing, and since my mom was in hospital, our phone rings CONSTANTLY. Just noise in general. Noise affects my hypersensitivity the worst. Like, my grandmother vaccuuming this morning, and then emptying the tubey thing in the vaccuum in the garbage bin by banging it on the side over and over and over. I almost snapped.

"Man, I need to calm down" I said to myself.

Since it is confimed my mom has cancer, I will most likely drop 2 of my classes next term. The evening ones are going to go. I will also likely drop my thesis. I COULD drop school, and graduate with a BA Major in Religion, but I want my Honors. So, I will probably drop the 2 classes, and my thesis, and do them next year. It means I will be taking a 6th year, which means I can't get a student loan, so I'll have to pay for it myself, which I can do. On the positive side, it gives me more time to work on my journalism portfolio.
I should be ok with 3 classes. They'll keep my mind distracted. My supervisor says that if I don't drop those classes plus thesis, I'll have a nervous breakdown. And although I have never had a nervous breakdown, my nerves have been nearly shot before, and it really is a most unpleasant experience that I would rather avoid at all costs. I will also make use of my friends because they make me laugh and keep me sane. Why push away your support system? No way, man. This bird flies in a flock.

So that's me right now.

I am considering adding drawings to this later, because my drawings make me laugh, and I will need that tool later.

Now, I am going to go sit with my mom and grandparents, eat Christmas candy and spoil my dinner. That's how I spend my holidays.

The Skinny on Christian Dating

On Monday, November 22nd, 2010, I wrote this as my Facebook status: “Catholic/Christian guys, us girls took a poll: you better start stepping up and being better men and realising how awesome some of the Catholic/Christian women in your life are, or there will be consequences. We know we're not perfect either, but we're the one’s that are supposed to be yearned for, not the other way around.”

I’ve recently been speaking to several of the Catholic women in this city, and the general consensus is that it is nearly impossible to find a good Catholic/Christian husband nowadays. Scratch that. It is nearly impossible to find a good Catholic/Christian boyfriend.

My best friend was expressing to me her frustrations over this. She said that because men aren’t stepping up, us women are left feeling that we either need to do all the work, or that we have to lower our standards. I think she is absolutely right.

Men know that they are the minority, at least in religious circles. They know that us women want husbands, and so they are sitting back and letting us fret and stress over the matter.
This is not how things should be. Women should not be coveting men. Men should be coveting us. I’m not saying they necessarily know this consciously. Quite frankly, I doubt men know anything consciously. But their subconscious’s know this!

Women, we are beautiful treasures that drive men wild. Men are supposed to be dying to be so lucky to have an amazing woman in his life.

As Dave Chappelle once said: “Chivalry is dead. And women killed it”. He also said this: “the magazines trick the women. The magazines start picking at your self-esteem: every page you turn you start feeling fatter, and uglier, and you feel like your clothes aren’t good enough. And the magazines have you forgetting how beautiful you are.”



For a guy who says some pretty controversial and risqué things, who couldn’t applaud those two statements?

So men, you better start stepping up. Start by reading this blog: http://artofmanliness.com/.
Be gentlemen.

And women, we need to step up too. Let the men in your life be gentlemen. A man knows you are perfectly capable of opening a door yourself. But maybe he wants to open it for you, because he respects you.

I understand also that dating within Catholic/Christian circles is difficult because as soon as there is any interest brewing, all your friends start asking if you’re discerning marriage. Talk about scaring away a potential partner? Oh my gosh, you like me?? I like you too! Let’s discern marriage! Wow. All the while, the poor guy is sitting across the table thinking The only thing I was discerning was what flavour tea I wanted…








Either way, if you men don’t start stepping up, us women will begin our official protest, because we deserve better.


PS: If you leave a comment, please leave a first name so I can properly respond, rather than saying "2 posts above", etc.

Things That Make Me Smile

100% Guarantee.

1. Bruce from Family Guy. Particularly the "mayor bee" bit.




















2. Christmas Music. Especially Charlie Brown Christmas music.

















That is a picture I drew of holly, and Charlie Brown, next to a picture of real holly I took in Wales a few years ago.

3. Some Good Movies

Because that is broad, I have provided you with a movie graph, outlining what has proven to always have positive effects on my mood.




















4. Old Letters

I have two shoe boxes under my bed, STUFFED with old letters from friends in high school.















You see, I grew up in a small farm town in Eastern Ontario. Cell phones didn't hit my school until after I left. We did use things like Messenger and email, but, we only had acces to those things at home. What to do while at school? How to pass time in boring classes? So we wrote to one another. Usually, we would write while in class, then exchange letters once class ended, and would read them in the next class.

How I made the honour roll, I'll never know.

5. A really good conversation about theology and/or God.

(I have no idea what to draw for this. I'm open to suggestions)

Why I Hate Birds #2

I was 7 or 8.

It was summer and I lived in Eastern Ontario. My parents thought it would be nice to drive a few hours down to Scarborough to visit the Toronto Metro Zoo.

What a fantastic day this was!

I saw every animal you could imagine. Except the Tazmanian Devil because it was being a douche and wouldn't come out from under the bush. But I saw every other animal! I was ecstatic to see pink flamingos, balancing on one leg, just like in the cartoons. I saw lions and tigers and elephants. Giraffes, koalas, black bears, hippos. Rhinoceri, peacocks, polar bears.

I was amazed.

It took the whole day to tour the whole zoo, and we couldn't even cover it all.
We took a break at a picnic table, which had loads of Canadian geese around it.

Let me give you the backstory here:

EVERYWHERE in the zoo are signs that say: DO NOT FEED THE GEESE.

End of backstory.

Well, naturally, we thought it was because people food would be bad for the geese.

WRONG!

My dad. I love him. But, when he reads a sign, he laughs at it, and decides to do the opposite of what it says. Today was no exception. Our little family of four stood near the picnic table, eating our snacks, which happened to be Fruit Roll Ups. Yum! My dad decided to experiment, and gave a little piece to a goose who was brave enough to approach him.

Apparently, Fruit Roll Up is like cocaine to geese.

That stupid goose. He went back and told all of his other little goose friends about this newfound delicacy.

Once more, it all happened so fast.

They came closer. All the geese, and surrounded the table. I was the only one sitting at the table. They zeroed in on me. My family stood on the outside. I stood on the table. (I didn't want to get bit again!) They came closer.

Next thing I knew, I was completely surrounded by these chanting geese, trying to sacrifice me to their goose god.

My reaction was a mix of this:




















And this:



















After what felt like hours of being trapped on that table, my dad FINALLY barged in and scared them away.

What took him so long, you ask?

He and my brother could not stop laughing at my trauma.

Why I Hate Birds

I was 5. Maybe 4, the trauma has left my memory a little fuzzy.

I lived in Southern Ontario, and my kindergarten class was taking a trip to what I believe was some sort of petting zoo, with no animal petting involved. I remember a cool playground, and a cage of turkeys. The children would surround the cage, and scream: "GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!!!!!" until one of the turkeys would gobble. When it did, everyone cheered.

I'm not talking about caged turkeys.

No, I'm talking about rogue swans.

If you have never experienced swans, then you are lucky. AVOID THESE BIRDS. They are evil, hateful beasts with no fear and a vendetta against all of God's creations out of bitterness for God making them ugly as ducklings. No bird carries a grudge like a swan.

But on that day, I had never seen one before.

My mom was one of the parent volunteers, supervising the kids. Her and I took a little stroll, and found ourselves on a wooden footbridge. We stopped, and looked down at the stream running under the bridge.

And there it was.

"Mom, look!" I said, and pointed to the beautiful bird. My mom informed me that it was a swan. We watched as it was about to swim under our feet.


















It all happened so fast.

The swan was right under our feet. All of a sudden, the evil creature from the dark waters began gnawing on my little foot, which was poking out of the bottom of the bridge. It was eating my little pink rubber boot! It had a wild look in its eyes, and I'm pretty sure it had razor sharp teeth.













I screamed. And cried.

I was pretty sure my foot was being bitten off by this psycho bird, sent from hell.

My mom comforted me by saying, "Calm down. You have boots on. You can't even feel any pain".

Maybe not, but it was the principle of the whole thing.

Shoes

This is my mother's account of the "rude" incident.

I was 2 years old.

We lived in Germany, in an appartment.
My mom's friend Sandra was visiting.
This was not an odd thing to occur. Sandra visited often, since she lived across the street.

I wish I knew what had been going through my head. I wish I could remember the burst of extraverted-ness that overcame me that day.













They were sitting on the couch talking. Probably about the stresses of being military wives, living in a country where you don't understand the language. Wife talk.

I walked into the room.
In my hands I was carrying Sandra's shoes. They both looked at me, puzzled.
I placed and/or tossed the shoes toward Sandra.

"Go home" I said.













My mom (the one of the left) was horrified at how rude her child was being.

The only thing I can say in my defense: if her visiting was such a regular occurence, I clearly felt she had exhausted her visit, and I wanted my space back. People always put their shoes on when they leave. I connected the dots. Bam.

Discoveries

I have made several discoveries lately:

1. People think the Church is against feeling good about yourself...you must always feel bad and guilty. But! I had an epiphany. When people feel good about themselves, and they say it, immediately people react with pointing out bad things about that person. For example: A girl says "You know what? I'm done feeling self conscious. I am a strong, pretty girl". People immediately jump to: "Ugh, who does she think she is, showing off her confidence? She isn't very pretty. Just look at the following flaws......" etc. So, the Church does want you to feel good about yourself, but it wants you to be humble about it, so as to not lead other people into sin, because people are stupid and petty and jealous.









2. God has not brought me my husband yet because I am terrified of children and babies. When I see a baby, and every girl around me goes "AAAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!" my eyes go wide, very shifty, and this is what comes out of me: "Ummm....yeaahhh...look how...cute....." while my mind is like: "omg, a baby. How terrifying. They have self-destruct buttons on the tops of their heads, which is the most accessible place on a baby! And they all look the same." Thus, I feel like a horrible monster, because, who the hell doesn't like kids? Seriously? I am a woman, isn't this supposed to be in like, my genes or something? Don't get me wrong, I want kids someday...no more than 2 or 3, but that's different, because my children will be little machines of awesome that every person on the face of the earth will adore, and people will say, "you're so awesome, just like your mom".
(Sidenote: Please don't fall into sin and naturally start pointing out how not-awesome I am).



















3. Apple cider is better than regular tea.














4. Getting an honor's degree blows. Big time. If it had a face, I would punch it. Twice. At least.

Exposing HSP

I thought I would take a moment, or several, to shed some light on an issue that is important to me. It's not a moral issue. Rather, it's a mental, or emotional one, called HSP, or "Hypersensitive Personality".

I always thought it was just a habit, not an inherited "thing". Experts say it is NOT a disorder, but honestly, it feels like one to me.

I never put any psychological thought into it until this past week, in which I had a lot of emotional difficulties with my professor and my thesis proposal presentation. I talked to many people about it, friends, colleagues, and virtually every one of them said the same thing: "Don't take things so personally". It was at that point that it hit me: Something is wrong with me.

That statement really bothered me, because it implies that I choose to react in an emotional way. It implies that "normal" people can switch off their emotions. Well, unfortunately for me, I can't do this. Believe me, if I could wake up one morning and stop being hypersensitive, I would.

This evening, I spent over an hour reading on HSP, and quite appropriately enough, the articles I read made me cry. I never knew there was writing about this, and it made me feel like I was normal, like I wasn't alone. If you don't have HSP, and can't relate to it, I envy you. Truly. The articles say being hypersensitive is a gift and blessing. I wish I saw it that way, because to me, it is incredibly oppressive. Crying over everything makes me feel stupid, because it isn't logical. When I left my thesis presentation, as I was fighting back tears, this was the mantra going through my head: Don't cry, it's stupid. Stop taking things so personally all the time. This is ridiculous. So people constantly telling me to stop taking things personally is not going to enlighten me, or fix my issue, because it can't be fixed. It's just the way I am.

The following 2 quotes describe me perfectly, and explain this problem better than I can:

"The trait of Highly Sensitivity causes them to process and reflect upon incoming information very deeply. It is not that they are "afraid," but that it is in their nature to process incoming information so deeply. Highly Sensitive People may even sometimes need until the next day to have had enough time to process the information fully, reflect upon it, and formulate their response. "

"Pearl S. Buck, (1892-1973), recipient of the Pulitzer Prize in 1932 and of the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1938, said the following about Highly Sensitive People:

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this:

A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.


To him... a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.

Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - - - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating." -Pearl S. Buck"

(2 quotes taken from http://healing.about.com/od/empathic/a/HSP_hallowes.htm)

So that's basically HSP in a nutshell. I am perfectly aware that it is very annoying to be around people with HSP, because it also means they are highstrung and defensive all the time. But unfortunately, I don't yet know how to fix it. I'm not even sure it can be fixed. But I do know that I do not choose to be this way.

Lack of Owning

I stood before my professors and peers, smiling as the sun shone through the two windows.

I presented my powerpoint. Calm. Positive. Confident.

I made them laugh. It relaxed me.

*Sigh* This won't be so bad afterall...going well... I thought to myself.

My presentation ended. The floor was open for discussion.

My supervisor's words of comfort from yesterday rang in my ears: Don't worry. It's not going to be a firing squad.

The first prof spoke.

System Failure

In order to further cope with yesterday's fiasco with my professor freaking out at me over his email, I decided to recount the event, as I remember.

We were in class, doing small groups. There were 6 of us, plus the prof.

I got up to put my chair back.

Prof: Have you gone up to see your supervisor yet?

Me: No, I went to go see her on Monday, as soon as you sent the email, but no one was there.

Prof: (getting snarky) Well it is REALLY imperative that you go see her as soon as possible.

Me: (being very, very calm) Yeah I'm going to try again today. I guess I was just a bit confused and frustrated, because when I sent you my proposal, you emailed us the following Monday saying you would distribute them to everyone in the department, so that's why I didn't give it to her.

And then this happened:















He went totally apeshit. Hence why I drew him as a flaming ape...and the colour of shit. My friends behind me at the table were completely stunned. I just stood there, thinking, "what....the....f**k???" Even as I write this, I am laughing about it.

Tomorrow, I am going to own my presentation.

Happy Dude and Angry Cloud

This is what I drew on my paper in German class when I successfully understood how to tell time.
















But earlier, this is what I looked like:























Ok, so it was probably more like this:






















But with a large portion of the anger in the cloud.
I drew myself as a flower because I am delicate, fragile....sensitive (my friend Cat would probably laugh and say "No, the cloud is way more accurate").

Today was not one of my more proud moments, per se. I cried in front of a friend, who is more of an aquaintance because I only see him in class. I mean, we get along, and we have the same stresses because he's in the same department, and going through the same school crap I am, but still.

It wasn't my fault, honest. He caught me at a VERY bad time. I went up to the department to vent at my supervisor about how much I hate my prof (who is also the department head, and whose class I just came from), and how about I want to quit my Honor's because of how much of a jerk he is to me, and she wasn't there. Seriously, my prof bitches at me for not meeting with her, and she is NEVER there when I go see her. Last week, he cut me down in class, horribly embarassing me. Today, he FREAKED at me because I calmly expressed my frustration that he said in an email he would take care of distributing my proposal to the department and he didnt do it, therefore it was not my responsibilty to do it, since he said he would do it. He freaked out saying his email was down for 2 weeks. How was I supposed to know that? He clearly emailed me saying he would do it, so....obviously it was working...? Excuse me for being confused.











Anyways, at that point I was done. We are supposed to present our thesis topics on Friday, and he conveniently left me off the email list saying what room we are presenting in (one of the other students noticed and sent it to me). There are only 7 of us. How could he forget to include me? I don't understand why he is being such a dick to me, considering he is the one who humiliated me last week. I've never experienced this before. I have never directly had conflict like this with a prof before. So after class, I just broke. I went to go talk to my supervisor, she wasn't there. So I was heading back to the office where I work, ran into the above mentioned friend/aquaintance, and I lost it.

Ugh. *shakes head* I absolutely HATE crying in front of people. Not just people who aren't close to me. Anyone. My mom and I are super close, but when I came home, I sheltered myself in my room for an hour so she wouldn't see me upset. I cried in front of a boyfriend once. He thought it was romantic and endearing. I wanted to punch myself in the face, lol.

Anyways, nothing is resolved, but I'll recover with plant food. (which for me, means lots of sugar, soup with cheese....actually, anything with cheese....and cider.)

Now I want cider....

UPDATE!

I am drinking cider.

Feelings

This morning:




















This afternoon:





















Now:

Exploiting My Friends-Comic Style

Low Battery

I can't draw people or stick figures very well, so I will draw whatever object I can relate to most.
Today it is a battery with no energy.

(the other day, it was fire)











(click on the image to see it bigger)

PS: If you're wondering, the computer monitor is on top of a dictionary, on top of an atlas.

Results of proposal ownership pending...

Update!


























(10 minutes later):
























8:46pm:

Snow and Fire

For some bizarre reason....and I've been feeling this for at least a week now...I feel as though if I were to look out the window right now, there will be snow. Everywhere. Like, crazy snow storm. This makes no sense for 2 reasons:

1. Halifax is a retarded sea-port city that gets almost NO snow in the winter.

2. It is not winter. (I should probably either apologise to any Albertans reading this, or say "LOLZ!!")

For the past week, at least, everytime I wake up I'm all like "It feels like Christmas", and then my mom gets mad like "GGGAAAHHH NOOOOOO I HAVEN'T STARTED SHOPPING YET!!!! AAARGGGHHH!"

What's the deal, brain? Why do you think it is Christmas? It feels like I should be baking Christmas desserts. But that's probably just my natural born woman instinct to be in the kitchen.

Anyways, my academic life is basically a disaster. It is an unending cycle of me not being able to accomplish tasks or get organised. Also, I wanted to punch my professor in the face on Wednesday and make him a trophy for being the biggest tool of the semester. But I decided that since I have 2 classes with him, he is controlling 50% of my grades this semester, plus he has substantial control over my thesis being acceptable or not, so it would probably be in my best interest to not punch him in the face.

Rather, I decided on leaving as quickly as possible. This did not happen. My prof stops his conversation with a student to rush over and block me from leaving class to apologise for being a big retarded tool (this may or may not be paraphrased). Given that my one and only thought was to punch him in the face (my natural human self-defense reaction to my intelligence and ego being threatened), I decided to back away from him, out of punching range. Clearly he does not understand body language, so he moves closer. I moved away again, into a chair. He moves even closer. Now I have no more room to back up, because I am against a chair and table. Trapped. No way out. He tried explaining himself to me. Unfortunately he is incredibly incoherent, and is the worst prof I have ever had for trying to explain himself. I just wanted to leave, so I just kept telling him I understood what he meant.
Finally, before this happened:


















I got away.

Now I'm pretty much over it.

Bus Ads

This morning I was on the bus.

And I looked up at one of the ads, and it read: "Wildfires...Are You Prepared? Reduce your risk by preparing now--Focus on Fire Safety".

I thought to myself, What if that ad was about Judgement Day? It would probably read something like this: "Judgement Day...Are You Prepared? Reduce your risk of eternal damnation--Focus on your salvation".

Or in keeping with the original ad, but a slight tweeking, what are the "wildfires" in today's society and culture? I know those are very general and broad terms, so rather, what are the wildfires in YOUR society and culture, or in your own personal life? The wildfires that are spreading, infecting things, burning down life, the good around you? What do you need to evacuate from?

Here is where I would readily shout, "SCHOOL!", but somehow, I don't think that would go over well.

But really, as Christian/Catholics, Judgement is not something that is to be feared, per se, despite my tongue-in-cheek parody ad. It's what we are waiting for. We are waiting for Christ to return. Afterall, that's why we spread the Gospel. But there is too much focus on fear. I don't think God wants us to love and follow Him because we are terrified of going to hell. Otherwise, we don't really mean it. Then it becomes "Ok, I'll follow your rules, but only because I'm scared of damnation, not because I love you and want to spend eternity with you". I obey my parents because I love them, not because I am scared of punishment.

But are we really prepared for Judgement Day? Do we even take time to think about what it really means? Now I say that it shouldn't all be about fear, and I mean that, but I also don't want to distract from the reality of hell and evil, too. Our God is a very loving and merciful God, but there ARE souls in hell. Does God send them there out of anger? No, I very much doubt that. I don't think God sends people to hell, people send themselves there. It sounds ridiculous, but some people really are so stubborn and thick that even when they die and realise hell and heaven are real, they still choose hell. Why, I don't know. I've never died and experienced these things, so I don't know what exactly goes on. But I do know that there are souls in hell, based on the Church approved Marian apparitions (Lourdes, Fatima, Kibeho, Guadeloupe, etc). Sometimes, in this age of "everything goes" and accepting almost everything, people don't want to think of punishment anymore, or the possibly of sin, doing something wrong and ending up in hell for it. And why should they? It's convenient, isn't it? I can live however I want with no worry of consequences, "As long as I am a good person and live a good life". Here's what is wrong with that statement: What you think is "living a good life and being a good person" may not be how God thinks you should be living your life. It's almost as if people can no longer fathom bad behaviour.

We live in a very dangerous time where everything is acceptable. Even murder is acceptable (abortion), and people trying to protect babies are deemed as closed minded monsters trying to corrupt the world. How does that even make sense? Someone cannot possibly believe that EVERYTHING is acceptable. That is impossible. And yet, I see many people on my own campus who are so scared of stepping on someone's toes, that they "accept" everyone. Newsflash: You can be against something in a non-agressive way". Just because you disapprove of someone's behaviour, does not mean you are not loving them. I have a lot of friends who do things and live certain ways that I don't approve of, that I even think COULD lead to their damnation someday. COULD. I'm not saying it will, but it COULD, because the things they are doing are bad for their soul, and not of God. But I still act lovingly toward them. I don't shout at them or make them feel like bad people. I am, however, honest about how I feel about certain issues, and why I think the way I do. Do I condemn them? Of course not, I'm not God. But I do recognise spiritually unhealthy behaviour.

Anyway. That's an awfully big thought stemming from a simple bus ad on fire safety. Keep safe from the fires of Hell. Be loving and understanding toward your neighbour, but it doesn't mean fundamental conservatism, or fundamental relativism.
Basically, just open your Bible, open your heart, and follow the example of Christ.

Aren't Philosophers Supposed to be Logical?

I read this article today by a professor of philosophy at my university.

http://www.ottawacitizen.com/news/fetus+person/2979302/story.html

I struggled through reading the whole thing. The first attempt, I had to close the window because I was getting upset. I made it through on the second go, and I am even more upset. I am furious, and not just with Mark Mercer, a professor I am embarrassed to say I have taken a course by, but I am furious because he represents more than just himself.

This mentality angers me to the core. He makes absolutely no sense. His logic is absent, and his statements are hyprocritical.

"Abortion, then, involves the killing of a human being. But that abortion involves the deliberate killing of a human being is no reason for abortion to be illegal. Nor should one be morally troubled by it."

Can he write a more ludicrious statement?
He admits that abortion is murdering human beings, and yet he feels this is perfectly fine, because he claims a fetus is not a person; a self-aware person.

First of all, he has NO grounds in saying that. How does he know a fetus is not self-aware? A sleeping person is not self-aware either.
Also, I have seen video footage of an abortion in which the fetus is avoiding the vacuum, trying to get away from it. And yet, Mercer dares to say the fetus "has no interest in living".

I also want to state that once upon a time, only a mere 70 years ago, a man named Adolf Hitler convinced people that Jews were not "persons" either. To go ahead and beat them, kill them, rape them, do whatever you want to them, because they are not persons, and you should in no way feel "morally troubled by it". Yes, it is killing a human being, but they are not persons, so don't worry.

Oh, but here I suppose Dr. Mercer would say this is absurd, obviously that was a horrific event, the Jewish people were self-aware. Well how do you know a fetus is not self-aware!

It is absurd to even argue about this. Abortion is sick, and anyone who supports abortion clearly has never even thought about the issue for what it really is. I mean really think about it, and what it is, or watched a video of one.

Oh and by the way, NO I am not comparing women who have an abortion to Hitler. I am comparing abortionists to Hitler. Any doctor who performs an abortion is guilty of a crime equal to the Holocaust. Any doctor who performs an abortion is a monster and a hypocrite, and doesn't care about life. Women who have an abortion are victims of being lied to in their most vulnerable state. Lied to by a society that tells them it is ok to have their child murdered.

Abortion is the most evil sin there is, and it baffles me that so many people do not understand this.
Don't you realise abortion murders human beings!? How can anyone with a conscience support this? How can people not see how wrong this is?

I am terrified of this society. We are living in very dark times. We live in a society whose conscience has been so dulled, life is no longer a matter worth fighting for. Where the absolute most innocent beings there could possibly be, children, babies, infants, are being murdered everyday. Perfect beings, with no sin, are the ones being killed.

The pro-life movement is not out to hurt women, it is out to save women. Abortion hurts women. The after effects are traumatic. The scars of an abortion never go away.
We are fighting for the innocent, because they can't speak for themselves yet.

My heart aches.

It aches for the babies being aborted.
It aches for the vulnerable women being convinced this is a harmless act.
It aches for the state of our society.

May God have Mercy...

Put Yourself in the Mysteries

I just had a cool experience whilst praying the rosary.

I was praying the sorrowful mysteries, and when I got to the second mystery of the scourging, my mind drifted, as it usually does. Then out of nowhere came the question:

When have you scourged Christ?

My head whipped back, and I whispered out loud, "Whoooooa!"
I love those moments in prayer. This is God snapping His fingers, telling you to focus.

The sorrowful mysteries are probably my favourite to pray on. Any time I experience any type of prayful emotion, it is almost always when praying on those mysteries. I have felt intense and overwhelming sadness during those mysteries, usually God's sadness for the state of whomever or whatever I am praying for; and I have felt joy as well, which I interpret as God giving me hope in the midst of despair, for whomever or whatever I am praying for.

But of all the times I have prayed on the sorrowful mysteries, never have I placed myself in them as the one doing these horrible things to my Lord!
Obviously I have reflected on the image of putting a nail in Christ's hands every time we sin, etc., but usually when I pray on these mysteries, I think of the excruciating pain Christ went through for me. I have never put myself into the mystery as the one doing those things to Him.

That question really hit me: When have you scourged Christ?
If God lives in everyone, and the face of every person you encounter is the face of God, then everytime I am unloving toward another person, I am scourging Christ.

This isn't news. It isn't rocketscience, and it most certainly is not ground-breaking theology. We hear this message virtually every Sunday, and it has been stated for roughly 2000 years. Yet, we never really "get it" until we have these small epiphanies of our own, epiphanies of the same messages we constantly hear, but heard in the language of our own heart and soul.
It's strange when you experience this in prayer, because you write it out in english, and you "hear" it in english, yet the language itself is not felt in english. It is a language of your own. The whispers of your soul. The whispers of the Holy Spirit dwelling within you, being spoken to YOU. This is what is being felt, and your brain immediately interprets this divine, interior feeling into tangible words.

Put yourself into the mysteries, and experience a new reality.

Entitlement and Fundamental Apologetics

There is a reality of evil that is being denied in our world today, and I even see it denied among the Christian community. For some strange reason, no one wants to talk about evil spirits, evil entities that exist in a world parallel to ours, permeating our reality every day. These are the spirits surrounding us, leading us away from God in subtle ways.
The devil is very crafty and creative. There is no one he will not attack and when he is trying to attack a good person, his attacks are subtle and masked as good. From my own experience, lived and observational, this attack can happen in two ways, among several others: entitlement and fundamental apologetics.
“Entitlement is a bastard” my spiritual director told me when I mentioned the word. It struck a nerve with him and he feels the same way about it as I do, but has felt it longer. Entitlement is a concept preached by the secular aspect of the world to those living in the world and of the world. To the Christian, it is the voice in your head whispering: “Come on, you deserve this. You are entitled to this. You’ve waited so long. God is always asking you to give of yourself, now it’s time you give yourself something”. It is what makes us unnecessarily hold onto anger, because we are entitled to that anger. A terrible injustice was committed against us, and it is our right, our entitlement to be angry, and hold onto it as long as possible, and hold things against people for as long as possible, to make them realise and regret their sins. The most practical example I can give is weddings. This concept of entitlement is weaved together with materialism, and what better way for Satan to attack our beautiful young Christian couples than to attack and poison their public expression of their love. Weddings used to be very simple because they were for God and the couple, and anyone who cared to share in the joy of the union. However, now, God seems to be forgotten, and weddings have become for other people, or solely about the couple getting married, not about the couple being united under God. God is being pushed away because a “religious wedding” is seen as lame, and the guests won’t understand it and so they won’t like it and will speak ill of your wedding. What was once a sacred ritual and sacrament has now been poisoned by materialism and entitlement. If a couple decides to have a very simple wedding, they are seen as weird, immature, and clearly not ready to be married. The more you spend on your “big day” is equated with how ready you are to be married. This line of thinking seems to ignore the fact that the more you spend on your wedding, the higher the chance of divorce. Now the couple is getting wrapped up in materialism, preparing for a party and not a marriage. They are getting caught up in material, inanimate things with no value, and if they ever want to have a more simple wedding, people jump all over them saying it isn’t “tasteful”, or it is “cheap”. Would it really be terrible for a couple to actually have a proper wedding, one that is about God and takes the focus off of the couple and the guests as much as possible? No, because I can guarantee you that these are the couples who will outlast all of the others, because they value that which is life-giving and not life-taking.
The other subtle attack I mentioned is fundamentalism and apologetics. Apologetics means to explain things (yes, I am aware of the irony in this statement), so for explain, one who is well versed in Church apologetics is good at explaining Church doctrine, what the Church believes. Apologetics in itself is not a bad thing, however, it is for a particular audience, mainly an academic one. It is certainly not meant for the emotional and defensive. From my experience, I notice that those who eat up apologetics the most are fundamentalists, because it lacks a sense of compassion and empathy. Lawyers are trained in apologetics, and that isn’t a stab at lawyers, it is saying that in apologetics, there is a lack of emotion because “these are the facts, it’s just business, and if you don’t like what you hear, well that’s too bad. Truth hurts”. Truth, however, doesn’t hurt. Truth is life-giving and sustaining. The delivery of truth, on the other hand, is what can and often does, hurt people. For fundamentalists, this is where I see evil spirits at play. I have a theory for why fundamentalists seem to be a big fan of apologetics, and it is this: I am doing my job in telling you the truth, and if you don’t like it, it’s your fault for being hard of heart and not listening to me. I am right, and you are wrong, and until you adhere to my view, the right view, you are at risk for going to hell. I have told you the truth, and you will not listen. That is not my fault if you ignore truth, therefore, I can now walk away guilt free. This is where I tend to disagree with pro-life fundamentalists, and those who deliver pro-life apologetics as their way of evangelising. Apologetics is not a legitimate form of evangelisation because it is not concerned with changing one’s heart or mind, it is concerned with making your opponent look stupid and ridiculous, and making them realise how much they don’t know about the issue at hand. For this reason, apologetics is not loving, and it is not evangelisation. Apologetics is emotionless. It certainly isn’t going to convert anyone, and will only result in getting people’s backs up. There is a popular phrase that states one must “know their audience”. If one is dealing with a crowd of upset and emotional people, how will apologetics help them? It is not a language they are able to understand given their state of mind, and rather than attempt to drag them up to your mindset, perhaps you should jump down to theirs and meet them on a personal level. And this is where the evil spirits attack us. They want to keep us away from meeting people on a personal level because that is the level to which one will encounter God.
Evil spirits are all around us, and we must be diligent in discerning them from good spirits, and recognise their movements within us. We cannot deny their existence, for in doing so, we are only giving them more power over our thoughts and actions.
My spiritual director told me an aboriginal story about a grandfather going out to the woods with his grandson. The grandson is excited by all the nature he sees around him, and is in awe when they come across a wolf. “Look Grandfather! It’s a wolf!” he cries with excitement. The Grandfather smiles and says “Yes, it is. Do you know that there are two wolves living inside your heart?” Puzzled, the grandson says, “Two wolves in my heart? Is that true?” The grandfather replies, “Yes, it is true. One is a good wolf, and one is a bad wolf. The good wolf brings peace, love, life and joy. The bad wolf is mean and deceptive and makes you do bad things. The two wolves are constantly fighting with one another.” The grandson pauses and thinks about this for a moment, and says to his grandfather, “But grandfather, if they are always fighting with one another inside my heart, how do I know which one is going to win?” The grandfather replies, “Whichever wolf you feed will be the wolf that wins.”

Sunday Reflection

Greetings!

The first reading really makes me think of the importance of praying for our priests. It tells us about how people rushed to the apostles, who were performing miracles. These were the first Christian priests! Acting in persona Christi, as our priests today do. We need to pray for our priests, and for their strength.

The Gospel reminds us that Jesus brings us peace amidst fear. Any kind of fear that we may have, Jesus is standing before us, offering us His peace, and wants us to go out and give that same peace to those around us. Especially during this difficult time with the Church...we need to proclaim that we still have something worth rejoicing over. We are all imperfect beings trying to serve a perfect God.

Pax Christi.

Easter Blessings

Happy Easter!!! The Lord is risen! Woot!

One of my best friends became Catholic last night, and she is still bouncing off the walls with excitement, lol.

The Archbishop gave a fantastic homily last night. Asking why we are here, and why we are Catholic. He basically said the Catholic Church is full of imperfect humans trying to serve a perfect God, and occasionally, because we are human, the Church puts out a lot of stupid statements. He says we need to ask ourselves the tough questions of the Church. "And if we don't, the media will do it for us". On Wednesday night at the Chrism Mass, he said to the congregation "We need to ask ourselves in these hard times if we're going to jump ship (leave the Church). Well, I don't know about you, but I can't swim. So I'm going to cling to the boat of Peter". For this statement, he received a standing ovation. I wasn't there, but I hear it was pretty epic.

So here we are at the beginning of the Easter season, celebrating the resurrected Lord. Jesus conquered death and sin, and so when it seems like the Church may be dying, we can pray it will be resurrected too. Amazing things happen with prayer. In the midst of all the crap, we still have a powerful reason to celebrate. Let us celebrate, and put our prayers together.

This is the year of the priest. We need to love and support our priests, the good ones out there. This is not a lost cause.

Our Lord already won this battle for us, which is why we need to pray with confidence. I pray you all have a wonderful Easter. Just remember that Easter isn't just today. It's an entire season. Let's be joyful, and share our love and joy with others.

Pax Christi.