Why I Hate Birds #2

I was 7 or 8.

It was summer and I lived in Eastern Ontario. My parents thought it would be nice to drive a few hours down to Scarborough to visit the Toronto Metro Zoo.

What a fantastic day this was!

I saw every animal you could imagine. Except the Tazmanian Devil because it was being a douche and wouldn't come out from under the bush. But I saw every other animal! I was ecstatic to see pink flamingos, balancing on one leg, just like in the cartoons. I saw lions and tigers and elephants. Giraffes, koalas, black bears, hippos. Rhinoceri, peacocks, polar bears.

I was amazed.

It took the whole day to tour the whole zoo, and we couldn't even cover it all.
We took a break at a picnic table, which had loads of Canadian geese around it.

Let me give you the backstory here:

EVERYWHERE in the zoo are signs that say: DO NOT FEED THE GEESE.

End of backstory.

Well, naturally, we thought it was because people food would be bad for the geese.

WRONG!

My dad. I love him. But, when he reads a sign, he laughs at it, and decides to do the opposite of what it says. Today was no exception. Our little family of four stood near the picnic table, eating our snacks, which happened to be Fruit Roll Ups. Yum! My dad decided to experiment, and gave a little piece to a goose who was brave enough to approach him.

Apparently, Fruit Roll Up is like cocaine to geese.

That stupid goose. He went back and told all of his other little goose friends about this newfound delicacy.

Once more, it all happened so fast.

They came closer. All the geese, and surrounded the table. I was the only one sitting at the table. They zeroed in on me. My family stood on the outside. I stood on the table. (I didn't want to get bit again!) They came closer.

Next thing I knew, I was completely surrounded by these chanting geese, trying to sacrifice me to their goose god.

My reaction was a mix of this:




















And this:



















After what felt like hours of being trapped on that table, my dad FINALLY barged in and scared them away.

What took him so long, you ask?

He and my brother could not stop laughing at my trauma.