The Annoyances of a Ground Floor Window

My whole life I have been stuck with living in one storey houses. Split entry does not count as two storeys. I have always wanted a 2 storey home. Houses with a staircase going up to a second floor have always been equated with classy to me, even if the house is small. Also, since I was a child, I always dreamt of having a house where on Christmas morning, one can run down the decorated staircase and into the living room to see the lit tree with presents.


Rather, I have been stuck with plain, one storey homes, and my bedroom window always has ground right below, which really freaks me out, because I am scared of people breaking into my house, through my bedroom window. This was never a concern of mine in the house I grew up in until my parents put in a swimming pool and built a deck under my window. I was no longer safe. But I comforted myself with the fact that I lived in a small farm town in Ontario, and the only thing behind my house was a forest filled with happy deer who liked to sleep in our backyard.


Then we moved here, to the massive metropolis of Halifax. Now, instead of a forest behind my house, there is another house. I've lived here for a few years now, and even though I have come to accept that I live in a safe neighbourhood, I still cannot sleep with my window open, even if it is a billion degrees in my room, because I am scared of people breaking in. When my window is open, I always hear twigs breaking, and other creepy city sounds. But, I try to comfort myself with the fact that my whole street is comprised of people who think it is ok to let their cats loose to roam the neighbourhood streets, which would be fine if all the cats in the neighbourhood didn't congregate in our backyard. We figure it's because we are one of the only ones who do not have a dog, thus, our yard is the quiestest and safest for these poor creatures, so they are probably the ones walking around at night, breaking twigs. But the paranoia is still there.

Today I was sitting on my bed. The sun was pouring through my window. I was staring at the wall opposite me, when all of a sudden I saw a shadow move on my wall.


Then I saw it was the shadow of a cat. So I got up, looked, and sure enough, there was a cat walking on my window sill. I shooed it away.

I wasn't so startled because this has happened before. I have learned. The last time this happened, it was a beautiful sunny morning. I had just woken up, and could see that it was sunny. My window is right above my bed. I thought it would be nice to look out the window. I leaned up, and this is what I saw:





"Sh*t!" I yelled.
I nearly had a heart attack.
The cat was staring right into my room, it's face pressed up against the glass.
I hit the window and scared the cat away.

I need to start putting up traps......

List of Nearly Impossible Things to Find in a Store

List of Nearly Impossible Things to Find in a Store
A Real Store. Not an Online One.

1. Address Book
2. Cassette Tapes
3. Camera Film
4. Party dresses that hit the knee
5. Stationary
6. Sealing Wax

A Little too Diary-ish for my Taste

It is 10.50pm and I am in a strange mood.

I woke up this morning feeling frustrated because of stuff with mom. She's not doing well. I spent the whole day in my room because I don't like seeing her in this state, which makes me feel like a bad daughter and like I am abandoning her in her time of need.

Then I finished playing the newest Professor Layton game, which was very good, but had a sad ending that made me think of mom, so I burst into tears. After 5 minutes of crying, I instantly stopped, wiped up my tears, and carried on like nothing happened. Weird. I still am not able to cry longer than 5 minute increments. Perhaps it is a good thing.



Then I was feeling angry and journalled about my feeling angry which made me feel more angry. Then I ate meatloaf and felt a bit better.




My best friend called to check in and ask me on a New Years date (aka. girls night in), which cheered me up greatly.

Then I started to read the Book of Job because God told me to. Not the whole thing. Just until I felt I got the point, which was around the end of the first chapter in which I sat there muttering "I suuuuuuuuuuck!" I was also left feeling that God is not doing these bad things to me, satan is, because he wants to pull me away from God. It was at that point that I uttered "f*** off satan." Then I laughed, looked up at my very peaceful picture of Jesus, and smiled.


I've been good since.

Also, I recently discovered a new addition to my unpublished list of "Impossible Things to Find in a Store": stationary. I spent the entire afternoon yesterday with my other best friend trying to find some. Nothing. The best we could find was letterhead, but it's not the same. Damn email making letter writing obsolete.

I will publish my list later.

Until then...

Pax

I Got a Huge Dose of Reality for Christmas

It's amazing how when you are hit with devastating news, everything else in life is miraculously unimportant.

This past month has been the absolute worst of my life.

It started with November featuring my mom screaming bloody murder every day because of her back pain. We didn't understand what was wrong with her. She stopped sleeping in bed because of it, and slept sitting up on the couch every night.
Finally, on December 5th, she couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take it anymore. I yelled at my parents to go to the hospital because I didn't want to see my mom in pain anymore. This was getting ridiculous. I went in my room, and cried on my bed. My dad came in and hugged me, and said he didn't like seeing her like that either, and that he was going to take her to the ER right away.

So off we went to the hospital. It was about 7pm, and we didn't get out of there until 1.30am. The doctor made her pain a million times worse, but then got her morphine and other wonderful drugs. He also got her an x-ray, and order a CT scan for the next day.

The next day, my dad took her in for the CT scan. He called later that day saying mom wouldn't be coming home, that they were admitting her because the CT scan found spots on her lungs, breast and spine, as well as a herniated disc. She had a private room in the ER, and she looked like death. The drugs were making her extremely nauseous. The main concern of the doctors was to get her back pain under control.

The next week was awful. They moved her to a room upstairs, and she was still in excruciating pain and feeling nauseous. Her doctor told us that it looked like she had breast cancer that spread to her lungs and spine, and they want her pain under control first, then they will do tests. She was working on getting my mom a mammogram and biopsy.

By the next week, mom wasn't nauseous anymore, and they managed to test the fluid in her lungs. She also had a new doctor, who apparently is the best internal specialist in the whole area.
He got impatient waiting on the pathologist, and told her that his half of the fluid test says she did not have cancer in her lungs, and those tests either come out "yay or nay". There is no in between. So that was good news. Then a physiotherapist lady came in and told mom she does not have a herniated disc, she has a fractured vertebrae. It is better news, because a herniated disc means all they can do is surgery, and a fractured vertebrae means lots of drugs and rest and it will heal itself. But they had no clue how she fractured it.

This past Friday they got her in for the mammogram and biopsy, plus a full bone scan to check out those spots on her spine, and to test for osteoperosis,.
Then she came home, in very good spirits and determined to beat the cancer she may not actually have, considering they didn't find anything during her mammogram, but we're still waiting for the actual results.

My grandparents are up. They have been here for DAYS. I love them, but it gets on my nerves having company in my house for extended periods of time. But my Nanny has been very helpful with cooking and cleaning. They also brought up a cane, wheelchair, and shower seat for mom. Dad got her a walker with four wheels and brakes from the Red Cross.

Today mom had a doctors appointment with her GP, because all the test results go to him. It was her first time meeting him, so it was a bit overwhelming for him to have this huge stack of papers on his desk.
When my parents came home, I asked how it went. She said "not good", and that she didn't want to talk about it. That means the cancer has been confirmed. Later she told me that yes, they have confirmed that she has bone cancer, but they are waiting on all the test results before they can start treatment, because they need to know where to start first. Hopefully the lungs and breast come back officially negative, so they can focus on her back. In that case, the most likely treatment will be radiation on her back.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I pray a lot. I think crying is supposed to be helpful, in that it gets out my emotion, but I have been rendered incapable of tears longer than 3 minutes. Everytime I start to get upset, I get this overwhelming calm and peace telling me things will be ok, and then my tears are instantly gone. I honestly have not spent more than 3 minutes crying.
What the hell is wrong with me? For the past 2 weeks I have been hit with the reality that my mom has bone cancer, which, let's face it, is pretty much the shittiest cancer one can have, and I haven't cried over it? *shakes head* I don't know if it is severe denial, God, or both.

So on the one hand, I don't care about anything anymore, in the sense that, missing my bus, or being late for my German exam (yep), or my personal frustrations, all seem completely unimportant compared to this. All I care about is my mom getting better.
On the other hand, things that irritate me, irritate me 5x more. I hate phones ringing, and since my mom was in hospital, our phone rings CONSTANTLY. Just noise in general. Noise affects my hypersensitivity the worst. Like, my grandmother vaccuuming this morning, and then emptying the tubey thing in the vaccuum in the garbage bin by banging it on the side over and over and over. I almost snapped.

"Man, I need to calm down" I said to myself.

Since it is confimed my mom has cancer, I will most likely drop 2 of my classes next term. The evening ones are going to go. I will also likely drop my thesis. I COULD drop school, and graduate with a BA Major in Religion, but I want my Honors. So, I will probably drop the 2 classes, and my thesis, and do them next year. It means I will be taking a 6th year, which means I can't get a student loan, so I'll have to pay for it myself, which I can do. On the positive side, it gives me more time to work on my journalism portfolio.
I should be ok with 3 classes. They'll keep my mind distracted. My supervisor says that if I don't drop those classes plus thesis, I'll have a nervous breakdown. And although I have never had a nervous breakdown, my nerves have been nearly shot before, and it really is a most unpleasant experience that I would rather avoid at all costs. I will also make use of my friends because they make me laugh and keep me sane. Why push away your support system? No way, man. This bird flies in a flock.

So that's me right now.

I am considering adding drawings to this later, because my drawings make me laugh, and I will need that tool later.

Now, I am going to go sit with my mom and grandparents, eat Christmas candy and spoil my dinner. That's how I spend my holidays.