I Got a Huge Dose of Reality for Christmas

It's amazing how when you are hit with devastating news, everything else in life is miraculously unimportant.

This past month has been the absolute worst of my life.

It started with November featuring my mom screaming bloody murder every day because of her back pain. We didn't understand what was wrong with her. She stopped sleeping in bed because of it, and slept sitting up on the couch every night.
Finally, on December 5th, she couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take it anymore. I yelled at my parents to go to the hospital because I didn't want to see my mom in pain anymore. This was getting ridiculous. I went in my room, and cried on my bed. My dad came in and hugged me, and said he didn't like seeing her like that either, and that he was going to take her to the ER right away.

So off we went to the hospital. It was about 7pm, and we didn't get out of there until 1.30am. The doctor made her pain a million times worse, but then got her morphine and other wonderful drugs. He also got her an x-ray, and order a CT scan for the next day.

The next day, my dad took her in for the CT scan. He called later that day saying mom wouldn't be coming home, that they were admitting her because the CT scan found spots on her lungs, breast and spine, as well as a herniated disc. She had a private room in the ER, and she looked like death. The drugs were making her extremely nauseous. The main concern of the doctors was to get her back pain under control.

The next week was awful. They moved her to a room upstairs, and she was still in excruciating pain and feeling nauseous. Her doctor told us that it looked like she had breast cancer that spread to her lungs and spine, and they want her pain under control first, then they will do tests. She was working on getting my mom a mammogram and biopsy.

By the next week, mom wasn't nauseous anymore, and they managed to test the fluid in her lungs. She also had a new doctor, who apparently is the best internal specialist in the whole area.
He got impatient waiting on the pathologist, and told her that his half of the fluid test says she did not have cancer in her lungs, and those tests either come out "yay or nay". There is no in between. So that was good news. Then a physiotherapist lady came in and told mom she does not have a herniated disc, she has a fractured vertebrae. It is better news, because a herniated disc means all they can do is surgery, and a fractured vertebrae means lots of drugs and rest and it will heal itself. But they had no clue how she fractured it.

This past Friday they got her in for the mammogram and biopsy, plus a full bone scan to check out those spots on her spine, and to test for osteoperosis,.
Then she came home, in very good spirits and determined to beat the cancer she may not actually have, considering they didn't find anything during her mammogram, but we're still waiting for the actual results.

My grandparents are up. They have been here for DAYS. I love them, but it gets on my nerves having company in my house for extended periods of time. But my Nanny has been very helpful with cooking and cleaning. They also brought up a cane, wheelchair, and shower seat for mom. Dad got her a walker with four wheels and brakes from the Red Cross.

Today mom had a doctors appointment with her GP, because all the test results go to him. It was her first time meeting him, so it was a bit overwhelming for him to have this huge stack of papers on his desk.
When my parents came home, I asked how it went. She said "not good", and that she didn't want to talk about it. That means the cancer has been confirmed. Later she told me that yes, they have confirmed that she has bone cancer, but they are waiting on all the test results before they can start treatment, because they need to know where to start first. Hopefully the lungs and breast come back officially negative, so they can focus on her back. In that case, the most likely treatment will be radiation on her back.

I have no idea how to deal with this. I pray a lot. I think crying is supposed to be helpful, in that it gets out my emotion, but I have been rendered incapable of tears longer than 3 minutes. Everytime I start to get upset, I get this overwhelming calm and peace telling me things will be ok, and then my tears are instantly gone. I honestly have not spent more than 3 minutes crying.
What the hell is wrong with me? For the past 2 weeks I have been hit with the reality that my mom has bone cancer, which, let's face it, is pretty much the shittiest cancer one can have, and I haven't cried over it? *shakes head* I don't know if it is severe denial, God, or both.

So on the one hand, I don't care about anything anymore, in the sense that, missing my bus, or being late for my German exam (yep), or my personal frustrations, all seem completely unimportant compared to this. All I care about is my mom getting better.
On the other hand, things that irritate me, irritate me 5x more. I hate phones ringing, and since my mom was in hospital, our phone rings CONSTANTLY. Just noise in general. Noise affects my hypersensitivity the worst. Like, my grandmother vaccuuming this morning, and then emptying the tubey thing in the vaccuum in the garbage bin by banging it on the side over and over and over. I almost snapped.

"Man, I need to calm down" I said to myself.

Since it is confimed my mom has cancer, I will most likely drop 2 of my classes next term. The evening ones are going to go. I will also likely drop my thesis. I COULD drop school, and graduate with a BA Major in Religion, but I want my Honors. So, I will probably drop the 2 classes, and my thesis, and do them next year. It means I will be taking a 6th year, which means I can't get a student loan, so I'll have to pay for it myself, which I can do. On the positive side, it gives me more time to work on my journalism portfolio.
I should be ok with 3 classes. They'll keep my mind distracted. My supervisor says that if I don't drop those classes plus thesis, I'll have a nervous breakdown. And although I have never had a nervous breakdown, my nerves have been nearly shot before, and it really is a most unpleasant experience that I would rather avoid at all costs. I will also make use of my friends because they make me laugh and keep me sane. Why push away your support system? No way, man. This bird flies in a flock.

So that's me right now.

I am considering adding drawings to this later, because my drawings make me laugh, and I will need that tool later.

Now, I am going to go sit with my mom and grandparents, eat Christmas candy and spoil my dinner. That's how I spend my holidays.